Heart Attack
by PhanJovie
Summary: Dan is afraid to fall in love with Phil because he knows that Phil would hate him if he ever told him how much he actually loved him. Dan keeps his defenses up and ends up driving him and Phil apart. When tension mounts and awkward situations arise, Dan has to decide whether to let his feelings spill or live forever in doubt. Oneshot, rated T for slight language.


_Putting my defenses up, cause I don't wanna fall in love, if I ever did that I think I'd have a heart attack..._

I sighed into my pillow. Today was not a good day for me. You know, one of those days where it just feels like everything is piled on top of you and you have no idea how you're going to climb out. I just wanted to disappear. I don't know why, because nothing really happened today. I just get in these moods sometimes. I think Phil is starting to pick up on it. Lately we've been sort of distant. Normally we're really close and enjoy just hanging out, but for some reason we've been drifting apart. I shouldn't say for some reason, I know the reason - it's me. Whenever I'm with Phil I just feel really awkward and get this pain in my chest. Why would I feel like that when I'm with my best friend? Well... it's because I love him.

I can't quite say when exactly I fell for Phil, it just sort of happened over time. I remember when I first met him I had butterflies in my stomach. That was more from me being nervous from meeting one of my Youtube idols. I jokingly tweeted "I just met AmazingPhil! Not all the blood is rushing to my head if you know what I mean" but I was sort of serious. He was good looking. And I guess in the back of my mind I was always bi, but I just have never felt this way before. As we became closer friends, I think one day it dawned on me that I was gay and I was in love with Phil. To be honest I didn't really mind it at first, I kind of liked just keeping it a little secret. I've seen Phil' comment on formspring where he said he was bi but he would never fall for me. We're just too close friends, it would be weird. He doesn't like me anymore than that. It really hurts though. Sometimes I get in these moods where I just wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I be with the one guy I love? I have to keep it under wraps all the time... I don't want to lose Phil. I sighed. I can't lose Phil. But I think I am. Everything between us has just been so awkward now ever since something happened...

It's a really awkward story: I thought Phil was out and I was really bored. I felt like I really needed release so I decided to have a wank in my room - no harm right? Phil's gone, home alone, no big deal. Fast forwarding past all the details, I was getting close and kinda making a lot of noise too. I wasn't paying attention to any of my surroundings so I never heard the front door open. I guess I groaned pretty loud when I came because before I know it, right when I'm in the middle of it, Phil walks in. He just said "whoa, sorry!" and left. I felt myself turning bright red and went to go clean myself up when I noticed that my laptop went into screensaver mode and wouldn't you know it there was a picture of Phil floating around on the screen. _Shit! _I thought to myself. What if he saw it and thought I was some sort of weirdo who jerks off to his best friend? I really don't know what I did after that, I think I just freaked out and crawled into bed and hid for the rest of that day.

And now, back to the present, here I am just laying on my bed. Yeah I know it was just an accident and it wasn't really a big deal, everybody does it. If I wasn't so stupidly in love with Phil I would've just said something like "hey mate sorry you had to see that, I thought you wouldn't be home for a while. No big deal don't worry about it." But I couldn't. For some reason I just had to act really awkward around Phil. I wouldn't really talk that much to him, I would just give grunts or yes or no replies when he asked me something. I hadn't made a video in a while and I usually just stayed in my room the entire day, sometimes not even bothering to eat. That whole stupid incident was like 2 weeks ago and Phil probably would've just forgotten about it if I wasn't being so stupid. I hate myself. As much as I love Phil, I'm slowly pushing him away. What if one day he just comes to me and says something like "you know what, it seems like you don't like me that much anymore so maybe it's time to go our separate ways"? Ugh, why do I do that? I keep my defenses up so high but then I'm afraid of losing him because I think I'm pushing him away. It's literally making me sick... I think I'm gonna puke. Suddenly I heard footsteps in the hallway. Oh no. _Oh no._ He's coming to talk to me. No, he's not gonna say something like hey I'm going out see ya, no I have that gut feeling that this is going to be a serious and awkward discussion. I pray that I don't screw up. And I pray I don't projectile vomit onto his face...

There was a knock at my door.

"Dan? Can I come in?" Phil's voice sounded concerned. Great. Here we go. I sucked in my breath before answering him.

"Uh... yeah I guess."

He sat down on the bed next to me, curling his legs under him and holding his head up with his hands.

"I've really been meaning to ask you, are you okay? Lately you've been so quiet and distant, it's kinda worrying me." He said. There it is. It's really sweet that he's worried about me, but if I ever told him how I really feel he'd probably go running out of the flat.

"Um, yeah. Well... no... I don't know." I mumbled. "I've just been tired lately."

"You don't look that well," he said, putting his hand on my forehead to check for fever. My stomach jumped at his touch.

"Maybe. I dunno." I mumbled again.

"But um, I've also been meaning to talk to you about something else." He said. I continued listening but I felt too awkward to look him in the eyes, guessing what he was going to say next.

"About that time a few weeks ago when I walked in on you, I know it's really awkward but I'm sorry if it upset you or made you feel weird... it's totally normal everyone does it, it's not a big deal to me. If that's why you've been so awkward lately, I'm really sorry and hopefully we can just forget it ever happened." He said.

I felt a little better. He wasn't worried about it and neither should I.

"Hey, um..." I asked. "Did you happen to see what was on my laptop?" Why did you ask that? I told myself. He obviously didn't just leave it alone!

"No, it was turned the other way. Why, were you watching whale porn?" he joked.

"No, I just didn't want you to see Delia like that and scar you for life," I laughed back. Finally, I was laughing for once.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked me.

"Somewhat..." I replied.

"Good" he said, hugging me. I got butterflies in my stomach. His hugs are always so nice and warm and gentle, I could just melt in his arms.

"I'm gonna go into town and get a few things so I'll be back later, kay? Don't hurt yourself while I'm gone." He said.

"I'll be fine," I smiled. He smiled back and went into the other room. I heard the door close so I figured he went out. I came into the living room and sat on the couch with my laptop, trying to amuse myself by browsing aimlessly on Twitter and Tumblr. I scrolled through my dashboard when a phan picture came in. I usually try to avoid that part of twitter because it'll just bring up all the feelings, but I kept on scrolling through them for some reason. Pictures of us having fun together in Phil Is Not On Fire, us on holiday, or times when people screenshot the video because we accidentally locked eyes for too long. Then there's the drawings of us holding hands, obviously in love. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought about how much I wanted this but I will never be able to get it. Phil would never love me like that. He ignores all the phan tweets and comments, he obviously doesn't love me the way I love him. I'm so afraid that if I ever told him he'd leave - but at the same time, if I don't tell him, I'll never know. It's just too hard to deal with. All the emotions bundled up in my chest that I tried to suppress for so long finally bubbled out. I just shut my laptop, grabbed a pillow off the couch and buried my face in it and cried. I can't take it anymore. It's really stressful to look at the person you love every day and know that they don't love you back and if you ever told them they would freak out and run away. I let all my tears out and just didn't care. That wasn't a smart move.

"Dan? Dan, what's wrong?!" Phil, said running into the room.

I kept my face in the pillow and didn't answer. He sat down next to me and started rubbing my back.

"What happened? Are you okay?" He said quietly.

Finally I looked up. My face was red and puffy and my hair was all messed up.

"No... I just don't know anymore." I sighed.

"Well what is it? What's hurting you so much?" He said. I looked up into his eyes which were full of hurt. It's as if I could see his heart breaking for me right there in his face. It was one of those things that I love about him, but I know if I ever tell him it would just go horribly wrong.

"I thought you were out," I said finally.

"I was but I forgot my phone so I came back."

I sniffled some more. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I could've started sobbing into his chest but I held it in. I've already embarrassed myself enough today. We just sat like that forever until he eventually got up.

"I still have to go to the shop, maybe when I get back you'll be feeling better to talk about it?" He said softly. I just nodded.

"I'll get you some Maltesers." He said, smiling. I smiled back briefly and he walked out the door. I laid on the couch in pity for myself. My thoughts all swam around Phil - I really love him. What am I going to do? This is the whole reason that I'm having this breakdown. If I tell him, well... lord knows what'll happen. I stared at the ceiling and thought about all the good times we've had in the past. If I tell him, they would only become broken memories.

While I laid there, another thought entered my head. This one said _wait Dan, don't you see how much Phil cares for you? Don't you see how happy he is when you are just hanging out together and doing random things? Have you noticed the way he acts really happy around you and isn't afraid to hug you when you're down or show you how much he cares? Do you think that he might actually love you too?_ I let that one play around in my mind. It kinda made sense, more sense than all those other thoughts about how he'd hate me if I told him. Does he actually love me like I love him? What if I'm sitting here worrying about all this when really he's in the same position I am and we just can't bring ourselves to tell each other? Suddenly I felt empowered. This random courage entered into me and made me feel like I can. I can do it. I'm going to tell him.

I walked into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face to clear up all the redness. I looked at myself in the mirror. I can do this. I love Phil more than anything, and I want to be with him forever. I have to at least tell him and find out if he loves me too. And if he doesn't... well we can still be friends right? No, don't think about that, I told myself. I'm trying to psych myself up right now.

"Phil," I said to myself in the mirror, "I need to tell you that I love you. You... no that won't work."

I sighed and thought some more. I planned what I want to say to him in my head. As I formulated the words together, I looked myself in the eye in my reflection and rehearsed what I want to say to Phil.

"Phil, you're the greatest friend I've ever had. You mean so much to me. I'd rather have you than anything else in the world. That being said, I need to tell you something. I love you, Phil. Over time, after all the girlfriends that had passed, I've never been truly happy with any one of them the same way that you make me happy. I don't know if you feel the same way about me, but I just want you to know how much I care about you. I really appreciate all the things you do for me and how special you make me feel when to be honest I feel like a piece of shit that doesn't deserve any of this. Phil... I love you more than life itself."

I sighed and looked in the mirror. Will he accept that? I really hope he does. I turned around. Oh fuck. Phil was standing right there in the doorway with a confused expression on his face. My heart practically fell right out of my chest and onto the floor - I didn't hear him get home!

"What?" He asked.

I stared at him for a second while he just stared back at me, both of us were standing with our mouths agape. I felt tears forming again in my eyes. I can't take it anymore. I pushed past Phil and ran down the hall and into my room. I slammed the door and kicked the wastebasket over in anger. How in the hell did I screw that one up? I hate it. I just hate myself. I'm so stupid. I heard footsteps running down the hall. He nearly pushed my door open when I jumped in front of it and held it closed. I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to be left alone now. I screwed everything up.

"Dan, stop! Just let me in!" He grunted, pushing against the door.

"No, leave me alone!" I grumped.

"Can we at least talk about it? I'm trying to figure out why you won't talk to me!" He said.

"No!"

Suddenly the door flew open and sent me crashing onto my bed.

"JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME!" He screamed. I was totally taken aback, Phil doesn't ever swear.

"Why do you keep pushing me away?! Why do you hate me?!" He yelled.

"Who said I hate you?" I yelled back.

"Well you're acting like it!" He replied. "You keep pushing me away! You won't talk to me anymore! You breakdown crying and I try to comfort you and you run away! WHY?"

"I don't hate you! I love you!" I spilled out. I couldn't tell if I was yelling or crying. "I love you more than I should and it hurts me so bad to be with you and not be able to tell you how I feel because you'll hate me and never want to speak to me again! I don't want to ruin our friendship but I care about you so much, I don't even know what to do anymore! And if you heard what I said in the bathroom, it's all true. Every bit of it."

His face was completely surprised. It was mostly shock but I could see the hurt in his eyes. I turned away and put my head in my hands.

"Now can you just leave? I'm sorry for horrifying you. I'll move out if you want. Just give me some space for right now." I said, my voice cracking again.

I quietly cried into my hands, thinking that he had left the room. Suddenly I felt a warmth behind me. He slipped his arms around my waist and hugged me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea." He whispered into my ear.

"You don't have to pretend to love me back Phil, it's okay..." I mumbled. He turned me around and planted his hands on my shoulders.

"If I was pretending, would I do this?" He said quietly. He pulled me forward and crashed his lips into mine. I was really surprised, but really happy at the same time. His lips were so soft and gentle and they tasted sweet. As he wrapped his arms around me and held me close, I did the same, not ever wanting to let go. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. There was so much joy and ecstasy surging through my chest that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. We finally pulled apart and he gently brushed the hair out of my face.

"Everything you said to yourself in the mirror, it was true? You were rehearsing it to say it to me?" He asked softly.

"Yes..." I said, looking into his electric blue eyes. They were beautiful. They shined back into mine and returned an invisible message that said "I love you".

"Dan, you have no idea how long I've been wanting to tell you that." He said.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I was afraid that you would be freaked out and leave. I didn't want to lose you. And when you started distancing yourself, it hurt me so bad. I wanted to help but I didn't know how," he explained.

"You mean all this time, you really loved me too?" I asked.

"Yes..."

I hugged him tight again.

"I love you Phil. Words can't even describe it." I whispered.

"I do too."

I looked out the window - it was already getting dark outside. Phil had brought some tacos from the little stand that was just around the corner from our building. I was really exhausted after we finished eating. This whole day was a huge emotional struggle. But I'm so glad it had a happy ending. When I went to go to bed, Phil stuck his head in to say goodnight. I patted the bed.

"Would you like to stay with me tonight?" I asked, hoping I wasn't going to quick for him.

"I'd love to." He smiled.

He climbed into bed with me. It was a warm night, and neither of us wore shirts, and I felt my spine tingle when our bare skin touched. We just cuddled together, our heads resting inches apart on the pillow. I felt so warm and so safe - I wish I had told him much earlier rather than putting myself through all this torment.

"Whatcha thinking about?" He asked.

"I was just wishing that I had told you earlier. All this time I was so afraid to fall in love with you." I said.

"Well I'm glad that you finally did." He smiled. He kissed me again and we drifted to sleep, wrapped in each others' arms.

* * *

**I hoped you liked this oneshot! This is the last one before my next story, which is a multichapter series, the sequel to Dangerously In Love. I'm going to start working on it but I'll be out of town for a few days so unfortunately it won't be up extremely soon. But don't worry I will have the first chapter up as soon as I can :) Hope you enjoyed this story!**

**~Jovie**


End file.
